Attachment styles, rooted in our early experiences (typically when we are children or in more impressionable years), influence how we navigate and engage in relationships (family, intimate, friendship and the like) and how we relate to ourselves. Developed through our interactions with caregivers and other important adult figures in our young lives, these styles—secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized—serve as blueprints for emotional connection, shaping our expectations and behaviors in our current and future relationships.
A secure attachment develops as a result of consistent, responsive interactions with those important adult caregiving relationships and fosters trust, emotional safety, and confidence in future relationships. Those with secure attachments often communicate openly, trust others, and maintain a healthy balance of independence and connection. They approach relationships with optimism, believing in their ability to both give and receive love.
In contrast, insecure attachment styles—anxious, avoidant, or disorganized—can present challenges. Anxious attachment forms from inconsistency, where a young person learns to doubt whether love and support will always be available. As adults, this often manifests as fear of abandonment, a need for constant reassurance, and a tendency to overanalyze relationships. Avoidant attachment is typically shaped by emotional unavailability or rejection, leads to discomfort with a sense of intimacy and a heavy reliance on self-sufficiency. Those with avoidant styles may suppress emotions and keep others at arm’s length to protect themselves from potential hurt. Disorganized attachment creates conflicting feelings about relationships, leading to a push-pull dynamic of craving closeness but fearing vulnerability.
These patterns not only impact how we interact with others but also shape how we see ourselves. Securely attached individuals generally experience self-acceptance and resilience, while those with insecure attachments may struggle with self-worth, self-doubt, or emotional regulation. Attachments can influence how we handle conflict, set boundaries (or lack thereof), and form connections with other people. Even our internal dialogue—how we treat ourselves in moments of vulnerability—can mirror our attachment tendencies.
The encouraging truth is that attachment patterns are not permanent. With self-awareness, intentional effort, and support through therapy, coaching, or other healing modalities, these patterns can move and change. Learning to identify and challenge limiting beliefs, practice emotional regulation, and cultivate healthier relational habits helps rewire old attachment scripts which for many, can be transformative.
The late Dr. Sue Johnson's work through EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy) is worth the dive into if you are interested in finding out more about how attachment can impact relationships. It is also important to note that just because you or a loved one has experienced a childhood that was faced with adversity, does not implicitly mean you will be challenged with an insecure attachment. Attachments can be quite complex - however, if you are noticing patterns that may be impacting your relationship with yourself and others and have experienced some adversity, exploring Attachments may provide a deeper understanding and a potential to address some of those past hurts. And always, therapy is a wonderful avenue to safely dig deeply into how attachments formed.